Dear Becca,
God it sucks being in this place and not being able to see you every day. I miss you so much and wish I had a way to break out of here. Then we could run away to some place no one would find us and just live our lives. I swear I keep thinking I hear you call my name when I am alone at night in my cell wishing I could fall asleep. I think about you, your beautiful smile, your green eyes. I think about how I want to hold you and tell you everything is okay. I want to talk about getting married and making plans. I want to laugh at your silly jokes and make funny faces that make you laugh. Instead I just get to sit here missing you and trying not to think to hard about you being all alone out there.
I am glad you visited this weekend and can't wait to see you next weekend. I know you had to work when I went to court so I didn't expect to see you there but was a bit sad you weren't. I know we have talked on the phone a lot lately and kind of feel silly writing this letter, but I just miss you and I don't have much better to do. I also know that collect calls can be expensive and don't want to cost you to much money.
Speaking of money, did you have any problem getting money out of my account? You should be able to use the card they gave me and get it out from an ATM. If not, I will write them a letter and see if I can get them to send it to the jail. I don't know how long I will be in here so want to make sure I have money for things.
Anyway I guess I will call tonight or maybe tomorrow. Wish I wasn't here.
Preston
Friday, June 3, 2016
Thursday, June 2, 2016
Tuesday September 28th: Dear Mom
Dear Mom,
Dad told me you wanted me to write you a letter but I don't know what to say right now. I imagine your pretty hurt by the fact I am in jail and probably worried about me. I wish you weren't and wish you wouldn't, but I know I can't stop you. I wish I wasn't here right now writing this letter trying to think of something to say other than I am sorry. I feel like the world's biggest mistake right now and hate myself for the pain I know you are feeling.
I am so sorry Mom, I am so sorry that I am the worst son ever. I know you will try to tell me I am not because you always did when I screwed up, but right now it's how I feel. I can handle Dad being disappointed in me, after all I can't think of a time he wasn't, but the thought of you looking at me with those eyes filled with pain and sorrow, it's almost to much.
All I can think about right now is how bad I feel and how sorry I am. I will try to write you tomorrow because right now I just can't seem to think of anything to say.
I love you Mom,
Preston
Dad told me you wanted me to write you a letter but I don't know what to say right now. I imagine your pretty hurt by the fact I am in jail and probably worried about me. I wish you weren't and wish you wouldn't, but I know I can't stop you. I wish I wasn't here right now writing this letter trying to think of something to say other than I am sorry. I feel like the world's biggest mistake right now and hate myself for the pain I know you are feeling.
I am so sorry Mom, I am so sorry that I am the worst son ever. I know you will try to tell me I am not because you always did when I screwed up, but right now it's how I feel. I can handle Dad being disappointed in me, after all I can't think of a time he wasn't, but the thought of you looking at me with those eyes filled with pain and sorrow, it's almost to much.
All I can think about right now is how bad I feel and how sorry I am. I will try to write you tomorrow because right now I just can't seem to think of anything to say.
I love you Mom,
Preston
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
Author's Forward
I have wanted to tell this story ever since I experienced life in prison. After living through prison life I realized that my entire world view had changed. I was nothing close to the person I went in as and this was not a good thing. I struggled a lot when I got out because I couldn't understand the world I was in anymore than someone who hasn't been to prison will ever really understand the world behind bars. This is a big part of why I want to tell this story, people need to know what prison is like and how easy it is for good people to turn bad in there.
I accept the fact we need prisons. I don't think we need as many as we do though and I hope telling this story will help people understand this. We spend billions of dollars every year locking people up for non violent crimes. We use prisons to house the mentally ill and destitute at enormous expense and the problems are not getting better. Our justice system is broken and our prison system is even worse, if we don't start looking at this and work to change it we are going to collapse under the weight of the entire thing.
I know some readers are going to wonder how close to the truth I am in this story. All I have to say is I will be drawing a lot from personal experience and the experience of others I have known. This is a work of fiction, but it is a fiction based on real experiences and things that are happening in prisons all over the country every single day. If you think the things I talk about are unbelievable, I suggest you go spend some time in prison, you will find out real fast that if anything I understated things.
The reason I am using letters written by a single individual is because that is how I want to tell the story. Part of this project is to act as a way for me to finally say so many of the things I wanted to say to people when I was inside but never did. I also think using letters as a way to tell the story will help place readers in the mind of a convict much more intimately than an account told in the third person would.
Some of the letters are going to discuss criminal activity and other things that most inmates would never write about in a letter because they are aware their letters could get read and this could cause legal problems. I am doing this because again, I want to tell the story in a certain way and that means tweaking my fictional reality a bit. I don't see a problem with this, after all this is a work of fiction.
I am going to talk about some dark things, some painful things, the stuff of nightmares. This will not be a happy story nor should it be. Prison is a horrid place and I want to show people the truth about how a part of society lives. I want it in your face, naked, unforgiving and unrelenting. If you are disturbed by some of the things that happen in this story, good, you should be. If you want to be offended by the thoughts of my main character, feel free, but realize I am not going to pull punches here. This story needs to be told and I am going to tell it.
I accept the fact we need prisons. I don't think we need as many as we do though and I hope telling this story will help people understand this. We spend billions of dollars every year locking people up for non violent crimes. We use prisons to house the mentally ill and destitute at enormous expense and the problems are not getting better. Our justice system is broken and our prison system is even worse, if we don't start looking at this and work to change it we are going to collapse under the weight of the entire thing.
I know some readers are going to wonder how close to the truth I am in this story. All I have to say is I will be drawing a lot from personal experience and the experience of others I have known. This is a work of fiction, but it is a fiction based on real experiences and things that are happening in prisons all over the country every single day. If you think the things I talk about are unbelievable, I suggest you go spend some time in prison, you will find out real fast that if anything I understated things.
The reason I am using letters written by a single individual is because that is how I want to tell the story. Part of this project is to act as a way for me to finally say so many of the things I wanted to say to people when I was inside but never did. I also think using letters as a way to tell the story will help place readers in the mind of a convict much more intimately than an account told in the third person would.
Some of the letters are going to discuss criminal activity and other things that most inmates would never write about in a letter because they are aware their letters could get read and this could cause legal problems. I am doing this because again, I want to tell the story in a certain way and that means tweaking my fictional reality a bit. I don't see a problem with this, after all this is a work of fiction.
I am going to talk about some dark things, some painful things, the stuff of nightmares. This will not be a happy story nor should it be. Prison is a horrid place and I want to show people the truth about how a part of society lives. I want it in your face, naked, unforgiving and unrelenting. If you are disturbed by some of the things that happen in this story, good, you should be. If you want to be offended by the thoughts of my main character, feel free, but realize I am not going to pull punches here. This story needs to be told and I am going to tell it.
Tuesday, September 28th: Dear Dad
Dad,
Thanks for the money. I know you can't afford a lot but it will help. I bought some paper, some stamps, some envelopes, and some stuff like shampoo and soap. I shouldn't have to ask again because Becca said she will make sure to send me money and if I can I will pay you back.
I was glad we talked on the phone. I know it had to be short so you didn't have to pay to much in phone fees for the collect call. Thanks for letting me know that your not mad at me and telling me you love me. I know we haven't always gotten along the best, and I know that I was a handful, but it means a lot to me to know you care. Tell Mom I will send her a letter too. In fact I will be writing it after I finish this one considering there isn't a lot to do in here other than read, watch TV, and write.
I went to court yesterday and they read off the charges. I looked to see if you and mom were there and have to admit I was a bit relieved you weren't. I know you say your not mad at me, but I can't help but feel a little ashamed of myself for getting in trouble like this. I know it's my fault, and that if I had listened to you or anyone else that was telling me what a fuck up I was being I wouldn't be here, but I didn't and here in jail I sit.
It's a bit scary to think about the fact I might wind up in prison for life. I think they are being a bit silly about this whole drug thing and seriously don't think it's worth putting a person in prison for life. I am supposed to have an attorney appointed to me so I hope I get a good one but all the dudes in here say the public defender sucks. Makes me wish I could afford a real attorney but I can't and I know you can't either so please don't offer. I got myself in this situation and I will take responsibility for it.
I wish they would let me smoke in here, I am dying for a cigarette but oh well I am sure I will get used to not smoking sooner or later. I just wish it wasn't so boring. If you want to send me some books or something I would appreciate it. I think you have to send them in special, like from the book store so if it's to much of a hassle don't worry about it.
Anyway, I guess I will stop blabbing at you and get started on my letter to Mom.
Take care of yourself,
Preston.
Thanks for the money. I know you can't afford a lot but it will help. I bought some paper, some stamps, some envelopes, and some stuff like shampoo and soap. I shouldn't have to ask again because Becca said she will make sure to send me money and if I can I will pay you back.
I was glad we talked on the phone. I know it had to be short so you didn't have to pay to much in phone fees for the collect call. Thanks for letting me know that your not mad at me and telling me you love me. I know we haven't always gotten along the best, and I know that I was a handful, but it means a lot to me to know you care. Tell Mom I will send her a letter too. In fact I will be writing it after I finish this one considering there isn't a lot to do in here other than read, watch TV, and write.
I went to court yesterday and they read off the charges. I looked to see if you and mom were there and have to admit I was a bit relieved you weren't. I know you say your not mad at me, but I can't help but feel a little ashamed of myself for getting in trouble like this. I know it's my fault, and that if I had listened to you or anyone else that was telling me what a fuck up I was being I wouldn't be here, but I didn't and here in jail I sit.
It's a bit scary to think about the fact I might wind up in prison for life. I think they are being a bit silly about this whole drug thing and seriously don't think it's worth putting a person in prison for life. I am supposed to have an attorney appointed to me so I hope I get a good one but all the dudes in here say the public defender sucks. Makes me wish I could afford a real attorney but I can't and I know you can't either so please don't offer. I got myself in this situation and I will take responsibility for it.
I wish they would let me smoke in here, I am dying for a cigarette but oh well I am sure I will get used to not smoking sooner or later. I just wish it wasn't so boring. If you want to send me some books or something I would appreciate it. I think you have to send them in special, like from the book store so if it's to much of a hassle don't worry about it.
Anyway, I guess I will stop blabbing at you and get started on my letter to Mom.
Take care of yourself,
Preston.
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
Thursday, September 23rd, 1993
Dad,
I don't really know what to say right now other than I am in jail. I guess I am writing to tell you this so you don't think I am dead or something when you don't hear from me for a while. I know we don't talk much but I also know that you would want to know. Right now I am feeling a bit scared and a bit worried. I got caught up in some stuff, and they arrested me last night. I only have one sheet of paper right now and I want to send a letter to Becca too, but once I get more paper I will write a longer letter to tell you about everything. Maybe I shouldn't because I am not sure if you want to hear it or not. I know you always said I would wind up in here if I didn't straighten up and I guess you were right. I want you to know I am sorry for everything I put you through including this. I hate to ask but I will probably be here for a while, is there any chance you can send money? I will try to call you collect once this letter has had a chance to get to you. I can understand if you don't accept the charge. Well guess I will let you go. Hope you have a good day.
Preston
Becca,
I am sure you have heard by now the cops arrested me last night and I am sure your pretty mad. I hope your not so mad that you don't read this letter. You have to tell everyone watch out for Jeff because he is a narc and the reason I am in here. I can't believe that he was wearing a wire all those times I sold stuff to him. I thought the dude was solid. After all we smoked weed together all the time, tripped on acid, ate shrooms. I guess I should have been more careful with who I was selling to. I know you told me to be and I should have listened. I just hope you don't do anything stupid like I did. If I were you I would flush everything we have in the apartment and shut up shop. I know lots of people will be after you to sell them stuff because I am in here but DON'T DO IT! We don't know who we can trust anymore and I don't want you getting thrown in here with me. I am running out of room but try to come visit me this weekend. The hours are 2-4 Saturday and Sunday.
I love you,
Preston
I don't really know what to say right now other than I am in jail. I guess I am writing to tell you this so you don't think I am dead or something when you don't hear from me for a while. I know we don't talk much but I also know that you would want to know. Right now I am feeling a bit scared and a bit worried. I got caught up in some stuff, and they arrested me last night. I only have one sheet of paper right now and I want to send a letter to Becca too, but once I get more paper I will write a longer letter to tell you about everything. Maybe I shouldn't because I am not sure if you want to hear it or not. I know you always said I would wind up in here if I didn't straighten up and I guess you were right. I want you to know I am sorry for everything I put you through including this. I hate to ask but I will probably be here for a while, is there any chance you can send money? I will try to call you collect once this letter has had a chance to get to you. I can understand if you don't accept the charge. Well guess I will let you go. Hope you have a good day.
Preston
Becca,
I am sure you have heard by now the cops arrested me last night and I am sure your pretty mad. I hope your not so mad that you don't read this letter. You have to tell everyone watch out for Jeff because he is a narc and the reason I am in here. I can't believe that he was wearing a wire all those times I sold stuff to him. I thought the dude was solid. After all we smoked weed together all the time, tripped on acid, ate shrooms. I guess I should have been more careful with who I was selling to. I know you told me to be and I should have listened. I just hope you don't do anything stupid like I did. If I were you I would flush everything we have in the apartment and shut up shop. I know lots of people will be after you to sell them stuff because I am in here but DON'T DO IT! We don't know who we can trust anymore and I don't want you getting thrown in here with me. I am running out of room but try to come visit me this weekend. The hours are 2-4 Saturday and Sunday.
I love you,
Preston
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